Karan's Space......................

It’s been a year….. since I blogged. A year of ups and downs... and in betweens… mostly in-betweens…. There have been so many changes... so many changes for the better... changes that have made me a better person… the people I have met... and more importantly... the people who I haven’t… its surprising how a person comes into your life… and in a few short conversations make you realize that life really is not worth the treatment that you mete it out… it really deserves more attention… and the person who you have been with.. Who you thought you will spend the rest of your life with.. Becomes a nobody... An insignificant memory… you learn one more emotion… something that surpasses love... or even friendship… I never thought gratitude can be an emotion... Infact... I thought gratitude is for the lame and week kneed invertebrates who want to live of other people, hence the urge to thank people for something that ideally they should be doing on their own… of course, one says thank you as an automatic reaction… but when you come to think of it… one never means it.. and that what I am talking about….

For… I have this urge... a need even... to thank all those people who have done something to make a difference to my life.. To have made me whatever I am... and I can go on about this bull shit… but the real people whom I would prolly love to give a hug and tell them how much they mean to me are prolly not even alive…

I would love to thank Ayn Rand for writing the books that she did and Rabindranath Tagore too... and Chuck Palahniuk …. I would love to thank David Bowie for his songs… especially for the Man Who sold the World…I would love to thank this one person who lives in the hills and who hates her current state in life, for making a difference to mine… I would love to thank the people who made the roads on which I can go for a long drive or a ride… without a care in the world, being with the one person who I have ignored the most all my life…. I love the fact that I can now be at peace with myself!! I am not scared of my thoughts anymore…. I am not being a mindless workaholic…. though the temptation to do it is soooo great…. I would love to thank myself for finally realizing that I am my best friend…

Course…. I am not perfect… and I am not going to satisfy myself saying that no body is... Roark was…. it’s sometimes easier to identify with a fictional character…. it’s so much easier to create a fictional character… to shower it with all the generosity of one’s ideals and thoughts and ambitions….. to live in a dream... Like in Vanilla Sky… no wonder virtual reality games are becoming so popular… I would love to thank all the people who are out there living their dream... for the simple reason that they are a beacon of hope... to people who dare to dream but don’t have the courage to pursue it... and for those who smother theirs in life’s mundane activities and who have stopped dreaming…

I love the fact that I can be at work this minute... And blog… and think about life… without a care in the world... On a Saturday… when most people have their week ends off… I love to work on weekends... when other people are not around... I don’t like most people... I don even try to… but the others… I search for them…. I like to be aware of their presence…

Trust me… I am not usually this optimistic… especially since the past few weeks… I have been more confused than ever before… but I am enjoying my solitude… and I am trying to do the stuff that I would like to do, I enjoy sleeping for longer hours… and enjoy the dreams that are associated with sleep.. I have vivid dreams... and I have decided to maintain a dream diary... I enjoy recollecting them... or trying to… the best movies that I have watched are when I am asleep... directed by me… with unknown people playing forgotten parts… I like not jumping out of bed to rush to work... hoping you wont get into trouble... knowing you wont... coz u have been incredibly lucky.. and you start taking that for granted…. one forgets that a good run never lasts for ever when its lasted soo long….

I had forgotten how much I love writing... when I stopped writing for myself... when I started catering to what other people wanted to read… I don’t remember the last time I let my thoughts flow... and not knowing how time flies.. I do remember how difficult it is to pen a five hundred word article... with absolutely no clue what to have in the beginning and in the end... ofcourse... anything in-between is mostly bull shit.. Always…!!! . and I am loving the feeling when I am writing this… and listening to this song life for rent … I feel like I am sitting near a window staring at the drizzle which bathes a beautiful garden…. with a hot cup of coffee….

I know I will have to go back…. to work... to home…. to drudgery... to studies… to things I don’t care about… but I know that I can always come back… to this space... which is my very own….