Okie… I was damn scared today… until now, I was so complacent when it came to my family… used to think that I dint need them or stuff like that…. And so many times I have thought it would have been so awesome if I had an older brother so that I can just be me and not think about responsibilities … today it hit me so hard…. When I was reading the admission procedures and stuff and then I had to sign and put the relation as son.. I realized that I really have never been one …
I stare at the instrument of MY freedom… a sheer beauty on two wheels… chrome everywhere… I close my eyes… I see myself flying… faster than a plane ... black clouds beneath me… whizzing at the speed of thought…. I feel the wind in my hair… I feel my face melting... I am blind... rushing towards my destiny......towards the one place where ill be glad to be in… I think of all the ppl who care abt me..and I pity them, for they pass like a flash.. Faster than I thought they would… I think of all things I could have done… and I shed a quiet tear... To think of what I could have done.. I touch the empty space in front of me.. as I am hurtling towards space.. And I feel a sharp pain through my consciousness... I am surprised... I thought I was numb... I know I am numb… I scream… a scream of happiness… happiness from bein away from all the things that try to bind me… relationships.. friends… faith… desires… thoughts… and they cant touch me… no one can.. I am invincible… I always was… only they never knew… I would prolly have thought why… why does it bother them… why would it bother anyone?! And then I know!! They don’t have anything to do…. do I have anything to do?? Did I have anything to do? Yes! I wanted to live! And I wanted to live my life! Not one dictated by rules made for others.. by others…. I wanted to be myself! Why cant everyone just be themselves? If they were, they wudn care abt me.. they wudn care abt anyone else… they wud live.. and they wud not just exist!
I cud have never survived! I feel alive now.. when I am running.. I can feel sumthin again! And this time, it brings me happiness… for I can feel the warmth in the cold droplets of water falling over me… it doesn make any difference.. I am blind… yet I have never had a clearer vision.. I see my friend.. Struggling… struggling to accept his gift.. a gift - his life.. which probably brought happiness. to many people.. made him miserable.. if it ws a gift… shouldn he be happy? if its a gift, shouldn he have the right to refuse it.. can he return it back if its not the exact configuration he wanted…? oh he doesn have to… he goes to ppl to modify it.. he gets it .. and he wants an other thing.. its worse than a treadmill…
I also see a flower.. it blooms.. it lives.. it fades away.. I want to fade away.. but I havent lived… I don want to fade away without living.. and I knw wat it is… to live.. I tell ppl abt it all the time…
it all comes back to me in a rush… I know this will end.. when I open my eyes.. I don want to end.. I feel safe.. I want it to end.. ill feel safer.. I open them.. and the clarity disappears.. I am blinder than ever before.. all I see is sum sham.. I want it all back.. I want EVERYTHIN!!
I stare at the instrument of my freedom… a sheer beauty on two wheels… chrome everywhere… I take the plunge… … I see myself flying… faster than a plane ... black clouds beneath me… whizzing at the speed of thought…. I feel the wind in my hair… I feel my face melting... I am blind... rushing towards my destiny......towards the one place where ill be glad to be in… I see the end.. and I have never felt so alive!! I have done what I wanted to! I am alive! I can feel it.. it’s the elixer of life.. I plunge toward my destiny.. and ill live forever..
